Do u want me to accept the jet black stone? Or do u want me to see u as that spiky, soft, red, pink one? X If u let that light in, don't you too need to let in the darkness? Who even knows? When you're adrift for so long, who even remembers what land looks like? Are u worried about hurting your child, like you were hurt? Why don't you think you're reaching your full potential? (>... ) To speak without feeling the emotion behind the words: that's like what u see in a lot of adverts or political language; saying something without saying anything. Like autopilot. With enough practise, I'm sure u could say pretty much anything and not mean a single thing. Do u want me to be direct? If so... If u raise Brody with a part of u numb, does that mean he'll grow up with parts of him missing too? Is that OK? I want to know what's going on, because I can see the missing part of u. I can see that you're in pain, even if u don't know it, or if u can't feel it (and I understand why you can't). I want to help because I don't like seeing you hurt. But I also want to help in a way that u need, and that makes sense to who u are. I don't know that yet, who u are. I wonder, but sometimes it's like trying to grip an oily black stone, rather than a ragged rock face with parts to hold on to. *** I saw the depth of Dan's hatred for what was done to Bryony. An absolute hatred, as total and complete as any feeling can be - gripping, strangling, burning and ripping, an unstoppable force of wild, animal, protectively blind destruction. But that's also how deep his love goes. Ooo Alistair drawing to Owen: Alistair's name in big letters, among a see of bubbles. I asked Granny if I could show you it, and said, it shows that Alistair is a fish in the ocean of owens water. She said, well done Christopher! And I didn't know if she was saying, well done for understanding, or for seeing something meant but not directly expressed, but I actually like the former. I feel like a big kid who's super tuned into the unobserved things but halfway connected to the adult world too. Like, maybe I'm comprehending things just out of reach from normal people, and that takes some parts away from me that would understand simpler, more obvious things. Like, I can't see the forest can only sometimes see the trees - but I'm also seeing the earth, and the music of energy behind the universe 🎼💫💗/⏳ I feel like the robot from Wall-e holding hands with the one who is the universe. I can comprehend the universe, at least my part of it... But I feel like bj IS the universe. Lol hey i feel like I'm using my depth for something really good and light now, like strong arms giving the softest hug 🤗 I just can't help but wonder, if my darkest darkness is at the other end of my lightest lightness... How bright is bjs lightness? Her pain and suffering are only barely comprehensible to me, I witness it in tiny, fleeting pin picks that fill my entire mind for a brief instant, then disappear, they're too dark to hold onto. Nihilism: I know that nothing matters, so why feel anything? Optimistic nihilism: I know that too, so why not be cheerful? I k ow, it's really fucking difficult leaving that darkness behind Jjjjjjjj When did u lock your feelings away? How did u do it, was it gradual or immediate? (obvs I know the why, and u said u don't wanna talk about that because its pointless, I agree to a degree... But at the same time, I almost wanna know how u felt, not the tortured young girl but the logical response? The facts of what happened. Cause I felt a lot of that too, and I still do, and it's still with me and I'm still trying to work my way through it, and it's hard man. It's hard to even know what happened. I can kind of verify my feelings, but I can't validate them. X
