My “feminine” side is coming out more since I started being more social. Kish from work just asked me which desert I want for the xmas do, and I said “oh gosh they all sounds amazing! Which one are you having?“. Prior to relatively recently, I’d have felt that was a decision I had to make on my own, whereas now I’m more open to collaboration and even copying someone, especially as that brings a lovely sense of connectedness.
It’s weird to think that I see that as a feminine thing, but I guess I do still see it that way: The idea of relating to people and making decisions collaboratively and with feedback from others.
Where has that idea that that’s feminine come from? Is that from media conditioning? Social influence growing up? Repression of the self as a boy, finding escape in a different gender expression, in the same way one might embody an alter ego while performing for others?
[@todo: the changing ideas of gender; the new fluidity]
I’ve also noticed that I can be quite adorable. People (partners) have often told me this before, but I always rejected the idea of being “cute”, seeing it as somehow weak, perhaps due to the vulnerability that I thought comes with it. But now, not only am I aware of it, but I find myself leaning into it sometimes, using it while I’m being flirty or silly. Which I like!
There is some concern in me that I might use “being cute” to mask true feelings, eg. I know that I’ve acted cute instead of showing some worry… but it feels like that’s a healthy and fun way to deal with otherwise tricky feelings.
And it feels more like this is just an extension of me, rather than a replacement. An augmentation to my current forms of expression, building on what’s there to allow for even more freedom. The other parts of me are still present and available, but now I have more choices over what to embrace, and a new way to connect to people too.
And I think I like connecting with people in novel and silly ways. I did a Sunday Salsa class yesterday, my first time, and my favourite partner was an east-Asian man who, due to shortage of ladies, was the follower, while I took the lead. But neither of us were fully confident, so we collaborated not only on the steps, but also on our feelings, which I’m not sure I felt with other partners. Like we were learning together and embracing the fun of it all. And when we danced together I felt such a joyful vibe, and that we could collapse warmly into each other’s silliness. *
And I do like the idea of seeing everything as play, using my serious side for critical thinking when it’s especially helpful or interesting (such as now, writing this), but otherwise letting myself flow freely without getting stuck in my head.
In fact, lately (the past couple of days) I’ve been catching myself go inside myself. It’s like I disassociate from reality and briefly live in my own mind instead. And then I catch it, return to being present in reality, and it’s as though I can breath again. It’s tuning me into the amount of mental effort it takes to go to that internal place and sustain it. It’s a lot less taxing to simply be present.
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* I think he may also have been the first man who I strongly felt I wanted to go to bed with. I’ve felt attraction to men before, but nothing quite like this. Previously, it’s been like a fluttery admiration, whereas here, it felt like a strong sexual force.
This was an unexpected turn of events, considering that I’ve only felt any level of attraction to men quite briefly, being otherwise almost entirely infatuated with women. And also, considering that, on this current path of exploration, I’d figured that sex and romance and love would be involved at some point, but never thought it would be with anyone but a woman.
I suspect that his gender/sex were irrelevant to me though: He had a very cute face and his vibe was so inviting. But perhaps also, my role as the lead while we danced might have allowed me to embrace feelings towards a man that were previously inaccessible, or at least, locked behind confusion. I am naturally somewhat dominant, as many men are, and so perhaps I had struggled to see how that power dynamic would feel with a man — perhaps, again, due to the aforementioned ideas I had about masculinity vs. femininity, and therefore, man vs. woman, regardless of sexual orientation.
Whatever the underlying processes, I do feel as though I’ve unlocked a new level of implicit understanding, and I’m ready to embrace what that might bring.