9.1.17 ===== Your life -- who, and where, you are right now -- is your own doing, the product of your own actions. (Alan Watts, the book) 10.1.17 ====== Meds at 60mg triggered recall of memories, and an empathic response them. Highly unusual: I don't remember the last time I actively remembered something and recalled a vivid memory -- especially how it made me feel. I don't feel empathetic to my memories normally: I can't step into them, I can't feel what I felt before, I can't remember who I was back then and how I viewed the other people around me. But this is how I used to think all the time -- obsessed with memories of the past. When did this change? It's so far away from who I am now, living entirely in the moment, not thinking to look back. Obviously I'm much happier now! How did I get here? I think I just stopped remembering things, through active effort, and by keeping my mind focused on other things until my mental behaviour just changed. But today's event needs to be remembered, because this seems to be how other people live all the time: stuck in the movie theater of their mind. Further trials suggested at the same dose, with cues for other memories, particularly happy ones. Also, different meds may solve this issue of unintended side effects. The drugs are meant to let me focus, but they just flooded my mind with everything that wooshed past me while I was unmedicated, and didn't help me focus (in this case, read some boring text). It seems that I'm simply not designed to do boring things. It was like a drug trip, in terms of intensity and new thoughts gained (even though they were old feelings I experienced, they'd been locked away, inaccessible except via drugs, prescribed or not -- an old experience in a new mind). Recall previous results with emotional technology: the flood of memories with Dora, remembering all the positive feelings that had been forgotten. What a marvellous thing, albeit dangerous in hindsight. 12.01.17 (+11th) ============= Two guys in AFG training, both exhibiting different ends of the male spectrum of masculinity to femininity in their manner -- from body language to verbal language: one manly and the other bordering camp; one who was big and strong and talked about being in the pub and swore a lot, the other who was small and emotive and empathetic (I saw, in him, how my compulsive wall leaning and popped hip neutral stance looks objectively). I was interested in where I appear on this spectrum, as I could see myself objectively from others' points of view by considering how I'd be viewed if I acted similarly to each person. This combines well with thoughts yesterday: How camp my general movements are, because expressive movement is fun and emotive, but how this appears and creates a particular idea of me in others' eyes -- isn't it better to look deliberate and careful? I can compound my expressions and energy into strong, controlled movements; it's better to appear strong and controlled than over the top and scattershot, and changing physical behaviour will no doubt affect mental behaviour. Also thinking about what I am attracted to, and what parts of me are attractive: what's innately attractive about me (natural masculinity inherit in straight cis male) and what's uniquely attractive about me (can't answer this myself, based on my traits I'd find attractive in others, I'd guess high levels of empathy and thoughtfulness, curiosity in everything; incredibly strong drive towards self improvement -- perhaps this is some of what I should look for in next proper relationship -- they're not things I've thought to consider previously!). Also, Derren Brown: Hero at 5000 feet: Kindness is integral to happiness and fulfilment.
Mark Haddon (Robyn) Simon Armitage: its not what you do, it's what it does to you