[The last entry from my 2004-05 era with another, which is now almost entirely unrecoverable.]
i have a secret i’m dying to tell you.
school’s out for 2 weeks. i’m trying to make conversaton here. i’m not very good at that, though. i need to pick myself up… but i just feel so drained. to get outta the gutter, you gotta stand up… but my legs feel so weak.
i think i’ll probably delete this later. right now, it’s a cry for help. soon i’ll look back and pity myself. i’m tired of boy; it was a lie that never really lived. maybe that’s why. i knew it wouldn’t last, though.
i wrote so much back then… inspiring words, i thought, but nobody really took any notice. some did, mind. they made me feel special. but now, it doesn’t seem to matter. i feel like a hypocrite. comparing myself to a month ago (#14:”times will…”)… i just feel ashamed of myself. i’m starting counselling again; at school, and at home. the school thing was really crappy, but there’s a new counseller. i didn’t like my therapist last time, but i’ve heard of a pleasant-sounding teen help place. i wanna see my doctor, too. i’ve been diagnosed with depression (among other things), but it’d be nice to know there’s a reason i’m feeling eveything else. i wrote down how i’d characterise myself, yesterday or the day before. i doun’t remember. i never did have a good memory, but this is just getting unbearable. i can bearly remember an 3 hours ago. is that normal? i have no idea; that’s why i’m asking.
here’s how i described myself. some stuff contradicts other stuff. this is why i’m so confused:
– self-centered, speaking arrogantly high of myself
– self-loathing, frequently having feelings of inqadequacy and unimportance
– seeingly racing thoughts
– VERY easily distracted on anything that’s not completely engulfing
– disaluion of necesary talkativeness
– constant drive to do something productive
– constantly staring into space
did you really see that side dissappear, lucy?
– expecting pity & neglect from others
– some inablility to take compliment, focusing instead on criticism
– (seemingly) constant feeling of deterieration
– need to host/entertain even at innapropriate times (dependance?)
– need for improvement
– drive to accomplish self-set tasks by self-set times
– pathetic lack of self-motivation
my psychology teacher, today, described me as “non-conformist, but not disobediant”. i don’t like to follow people, prefering to feel simply comfortable and my own, basicaly, but i don’t disagree with most rules and orders, seeing the importance and/or motivation behind them. consequences, however, seem of little importance to me.