CBT 2020-08-12

Pre-Notes

  • Tolerance of uncertainty: I constantly try to predict the future because I’m scared of repeating mistrakes of the past
  • But I’m moving to a position of “so what? I can deal”
  • Work: Panicking cause I’ve not applied
  • But: I’ve needed to buld a portfolio, and I’ve been efficient with my time here
  • And: If I could have applied sooner, I would have
  • My main task is to accept things like this: If it could have been, it would have
  • Starting to remember my intuition
  • Keeping all these futures in my head is exhausting
  • It’s far better to trust myself, trust the universe, and enjoy the ride
  • Job applying has been like a mini work experience
  • I actually DO need to think about all this stuff
  • But still, I’m taking it slowly, not exhausting myself, doing what I can when I can
  • Even letting myself relax, read, watch movies, play games
  • Basically, everythign isn’t revolving around work
    • It feels urgent but I’m not letting that feeling control how I think and act
    • which means I’m behaving more fluidly
  • I’ve actually been ablke to catch negative thoughts before they blossom
  • like, I’m thinking about how to proceed, a bad thought pops up, and I’m like, nah

Notes

Tolerance of uncertainty

  • I was trying tpo be prepared for everything, which is impossible + exhausting
    • now Im taking a diff tactic, recognising that I cant know
    • theres no value in constantly trying to be sure
    • in a nutshell, I’m tolerating the uncertainty!
    • before if felt impossible and unsafe
  • Old belief that everyone else isnt grappling with uncertainty, but they are!
  • I dont need to control everything
  • Working with what I’ve got, not what WISH I could be
  • Work with the reality – this creates possibilities and options

Work: Panicking cause I’ve not applied

  • Some kindness to myself (Louise said this was very heatening)
  • Acceptance that I’ve done all I can do, and thats ok
  • Not a massively high standard, things had to happen in a certain seuence
  • Louise: WOW! He’s allowing himself that gap, that felt big
  • Work: time does need to be dedicated, but I’m not letting it consume me
  • Life wil still have problems, thing will still need time and dedication
    • the chanegs I have made allow me to deal with these things, they might be stressful and I ight not even fdeel good about it
    • but there’s also time to dedicate to myself, to relax, to feel other things, to Live!
    • without that being the only thing
    • Anxiety: “this this this important do this” – now I recognise that something is still pressing, still needs
    • Capacity to deal with problems
  • I was turnign to anxiety to deal with anxiety! (parallel with bad bosses!)
    • All coping sdtrategies eminate from anxiety
    • ie “anxious to drawing out anxiety”, drawing out cycles
  • Trusting myself, my intuition
    • this actually feels EXCITING, not terrifying!
    • still born of adrenaline!
    • so much is your own cognitive interpretation (eg. going on a roller coaster)
  • I’m not anxious, I’m very excitable
    • this is going to be fun
    • OR even take a neutral response: the middle ground, approaching feelings without judgement
    • Here I am, I’m feeling something, I’m not going to put judgement on it, I’m not going to interpet it
    • Falls down to disposition
    • DEPENDS on the situation

Big concept I mentioned (personal configuration):

  • Louise said, how can she form it in her head so it has meaning to her:
  • The idea of applying meaning to things
  • “because I feel bad, it is bad” > leads to feeling of no control
  • But its down to interpretation, you can kind of choose how to look at a situation

Calling Factored (the job post that was taken down):

  • Get an actual result, based on something that actually happened, is ALWAYS going to be better than what the anxiety is telling me
  • More abut saying, the result is the ACTUAL redsult, which is different to what the anxiety was telling me
  • Sometimes people do these xperiements, and they go horribly, but they feel great about it! They predicted something bad, but they were actuaLLY FINE!
  • “it was a bit painful but I was stiull stabnding”
  • not about the pressure of proving my anxiety wrong, just not letting the anxiety determine what happens next

Louise’ objective: Looking at the anxiety and seeing it for what it is. (Personifying it)

  • “its not soething I need to pay attention to”
  • When it’s bad: Its like this big monster that ytou’re too afraid to look at, but when you do look at it, its jut this little gremlin thats annoying and useless
  • “keep looking at it”

It’s really important and (kind of) difficult to imagein myself getting to the point where I can:

  • Just, almost happy letting it be therel. Accept that its there, but just at a different place where you can disregard it
  • Starrting CBT: There sa hope that there s amagic formula, then Louise says:
    • let it be there
    • suddenly it has no relevance

(didn’t cover directly but touched on:)

  • Starting to remember my intuition
  • Job applying has been like a mini work experience
  • I’ve actually been able to catch negative thoughts before they blossom

I feel prepared!

Louise: When we first started talking, there was something different in my mind, trying to get over the intrusive thoughtsa and the delusions, but weve barely talked about them. When we unpicked them they were just part of a more straightforward anxiety problem (which permeatred into everything), and I was struggling with coping and intepretation.

Now I have the coping skills and an ability ot manage, itr feels like I’m sure of it, ie my ability to handle. It comes from inside – not through weekly CBT. This is the gold standarsd iof a CBT discharge!

The idea of the intrusive thoughts:

- It's the meaning applied
- before: "theres sometrhing I need to pay attention to" - go with the flow

- I was so afraid of those thoughts, when we started (and thats were anxiety gets all its power)
- The difference is now, I'm not so afraid of it
- It's there for a moment (the "danger") but the fear is not gripping
- I don't need to explore that, and I'm ok with that

We get deep into it (louise + me) but we do run the risk of talking it to death and going over thinghs

  • But im feeling better, I’m doign better, and that’s MORE than enough

Next Session

September 2nd – 14:45

  • Louise will send me some basic discharge material (closer to the time)

If there’s anything I want to go back over, we’ve got next session to do it
And we can think about longer term goals, and set me on a path of carrying on with this work

Louise: I’ve worked incredibly hard , none of this stuff is easy, but I’ve been applying it (not everybody does that!)

It’s all me.

No change can be made if I hadn’t done things

Louise: Well done! Gold star 🙂