[2022: Written years after another, and shortly before I went to uni. The disdain I show for most of my work colleagues here, and apparently life in general, does't represent my overall outlook while working there, I was very happy for a long while, presumable before becoming another target for another narcissist.]
I need an account of the things I have done up until this point, else I shall forget them.
I am still at WHSmith, and the name alone sends a shiver of disgust through my body. The company is failing and the manager of the shop I work in is a slimy little worm with the aspirations of a great, bold eagle, and the capacity of a toad. He has no people skills, he is rude to customers and he has no ideas of his own. He views employees as soulless machines designed to facilitate profit, and customers as mindless ants in his grand scheme of high street domination. I find his character appalling, and I feel personally degraded to have to work beneath him. I am actively looking for another job now. The disorganisation and lack of funds is another huge problem: less staff means less time to deal with the mess that is Ents. A department that’s in a mess means it’s impossible to do my job properly, which means I can’t offer the amount of customer satisfaction that I should be able to give. This is neither fair on me, nor the customers.
Why else am I so miserable working there? My colleagues can frustrate me. I am working daily with either Dave or Natalie. Dave is deep, for someone so astonishingly thick. He’s slow and oblivious, disorganised and a hypocrite. Hypocrisy infuriates me. Natalie is even stupider, which is kinda funny because she’s always mocking Dave, despite the fact that I have more respect for him (a tiny shred) than I do for her (nothing at all). Everybody working there is doing so because they can’t do anything better. I was the same, at one point, but I’m past that point. Students and old people populate the occupation list. The old people lack the ambition, intelligence or integrity that would have let life give them more. The younger ones can be split into two groups: those working as temps (most of them), and those destined to work in shitty retail jobs for the rest of their lives (Natalie and Dave’s group), perhaps one day climbing through the ranks to become a Sainsbury’s supervisor (such as Peter’s case, my current Supe).
How’s my life going? Well, compared to a year ago: I do not smoke weed anymore, save for the occasional toke-up sesh with Malkovich, who I still talk to (when he’s got credit!). I have not done any hard drugs since I dropped a few with Alison’s housemate David (other housemates: Ben and Polly). That was last year. It’s a good feeling, knowing I’m in control. I’ve come a very, very long way. The long hair went when I started going out with Alison. Since then (around Oct-Nov. 2007), I’ve had 3 or 4 different hairstyles, progressively shortening the ‘do. I still drink, that’s my one vice, and I’ve not learnt to control it yet. I’m teaching myself to cook, and I have a fashion sense and wear shoes and shirts not instead of scruffy tees and dirty trainers. I’m still bad with money, but am now budgeting. I’m gonna cook a roast for mum’s 40th because I forgot about it (I feel terrible!). My feelings towards her have settled, but it’s hard to remove some images from my head. She’s got some problems, I don’t think she’s able to get through them, but I think she does her best with what she’s got, and I respect that. She told me she’d gotten in touch with Alan, her ex-fiancé (a punk bitch who made me sick because of the way he treated her and attempted to raise us when he wasn’t fit to govern his own behaviour).
I’m on medication. It’s the wrong medication. I was diagnosed as manic depressive, because I told the consultant about my hyperactive symptoms only. I seem to feel more settled, less rushed in my thoughts, but I still walk out into traffic, can’t focus or filter properly and have been feeling very low lately. But then, my job’s really getting to me, I have the stress of going to university next year, I’m constantly trying to better myself, just split up with Alison, and have some really deep-rooted issues I can’t resolve on my own, or at this point in my life. I feel like I’ve overcome the problems I had with my self-esteem, becoming the dynamic, powerful, empathetic, creative individual I always wanted to be. But I’m still held back by traits that seem to indicate a low level of intelligence: poor memory (although that’s improving with use – I’m rehearsing information more and recalling more too), poor attention, impulsiveness and hyperactivity. All the symptoms of a difference that I cannot currently alter.
I’ve taken to calling my ‘disorder’ a ‘re-order’. A difference in my brain wiring, that’s all. It’s very, very difficult being as intelligent and ambitious as I am, but having some people think I’m a thoughtless fool with no goals because of some trait I have no control over. All I can hope for is that my doctor understands my ordeal, and my symptoms. The time is 0013.
Alison. She was a huge part of my life, and still is! At the moment we’re just friends. The final reason for the break-up is detailed in the third essay for my Health Studies class, a reflective writing assignment. We had been dating for, I think, around 8 months, and I really love her. She’s amazing, but we’re two very different people, and a relationship between us could never fulfil both our needs completely. She grew up on an island then lived in Norfolk, while I’m a city boy who loves to party. I’m now an extrovert, did I mention that? I always had my suspicions that I wasn’t –really- an introvert: I never had any huge difficulties in social interactions, and people have always found me charming. I just needed to overcome the feeling that people don’t care about what I have to say, because they do! What I have to say is captivating, interesting and exciting. The reason I am so full of myself is because I am a great person, and I have worked incredibly hard to become the person I am today. Alison has greatly aided my in this process of reaching my potential (given my current situation). She fell in love with the part of me that was just waiting to get out, and showed me I was worth caring about. In one of my hand-written journals is a list of attribute I have given to myself, and I don’t think I’m being at all smug. I am proud of who I am, for the first time in my life. I love me, and I love Alison for supporting me as I discovered, and created, the man I have become.
On Alison: She’s very pretty. She’s soft, ditzy, geeky and motherly. She’s a home-maker who needs to travel, and wants to have a career in stage management because she loves organising and planning things, and her biggest passion is theatre. She’s studying English Literature at Reading Uni and I met her while she was working briefly as WHSmith, before she quit after they stuck her on the (hated) lottery tills for a month. The biggest thing holding her back at the moment is her unwillingness to assert herself. The thing I love most about her is… her almost constant smile. She’s not as optimistic as one would think, but she tries to look on the bright side of everything, and she’s incredibly creative and ambitious.
Why did we split up? We were arguing a lot, neither of us had any time anymore, nor any money. We could no longer give each other what we needed. Her flaws begun to bug me, even though it was never my responsibility, or my right, to dictate the person she may choose to be. I helped her, though, become more confident, and I hope she realises now, like I do, the full capacity of her abilities. I think I should write her a letter, in case she doesn’t.
How am I coping? I think the way I have posed that question suggests that it’s more of a struggle than it should be. I’m as happy as I could be right now.
Ellie’s having a baby, poor kid. Malkovich is jobless, I’m gonna try to show him the beautiful parts of himself he might forgotten about. My bedroom looks incredible, it’s coated with pictures.
LISTS!
My housemates are Phil, Mike, Eddie, Kelvin, Sze-Chung, and Rob (who I owe £50 for bills). Alison’s friends include Baz, Matt, Naomi & Librarian (Sam), Cas, Scott (ex), Maddy, Pete.
Who I’m working with at WHS: (Books) Debs, Linda, Sharon, Sandra, Lesley, Jane, Jenny, (Ents) Smiling Dave, Ninja-Natalie, (Cards) Carole, Pam, Joan, (News) Babsy!, Stacey, Paula, the 2 Sues, (Supervisors) Andrew, Petey (Ents, bah), Leanna, (Weekend and extras include🙂 Vix, Gay Steven, Steve, Jack (just left), Rach, Thom, Hannah S. (little Hannah), Hannah T (Travis), Chris from Books, Kara, (Night team) Byron, Lyn, Johnny (Danny), Robson, Janette, (Misc) Cindy (eugh!!), Christine, Pauline, Ben, James (news stock room guy), and finally! STATS team: Robodov, Lillian & Beryl, two top-class chicks!
END OF LISTS!
What else will I want to know? I’m listening to ‘downsound vol.1’ (2008 version). I’m writing again (evidently), and have written 2 poems which I am very, very proud of (‘savage romance’ and ‘girl meets void’). I think I’m too tired to write any more now. I need to get in touch with Diana and Loucille too. I also need to take lots more photos, and print some for Malkovich.
I seem to have the ability to not only charm some people, but to fill them up with so much joy that the experience withdrawal. Mic once said I’m “infectious”. I took some pride in that. And I don’t seem to take many things seriously. I’m really tired!
Let’s talk about it then. I’ve been on lots of different meds. Being prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotic does little for your esteem. Still not the right ones.