recoveringsanity

It feels strange reading these back, how much space there is around the words. How much insight I have now. And how there’s little detail on the actual abuse, just snippets of old memories that I don’t think of much anymore, but many of which ruled my life for a long time. I think that’s…

I was reading these entries back and wondered, who did she enjoy hurting more? Me, or my sister? With me it explosive from the start. She knew that I could always see what she was doing, in a vague way at least and as much as my young brain could process, and there was never…

Here’s a timeline of a paranoid episode: It starts with the idea that someone is not who they seem. I try to move past it and ignore the feeling. I feel chilly and out of place & have heightened sense. My mind starts analysing the idea and finding ways to accept it. I doubt the…

US Drove over a rabbit and told me it was my fault. Was picking me up from a gf’s house because she was angry about me being out Burst into a coffee shop where I was hanging with friends after school. Shouting about how I didn’t tell her something. I was mortified. Excluding that ending,…

Digging deeper into the experience of the terror. It’s more than just paranoia. There’s also a sense that someone or something is trying to manipulate me by influencing my thoughts, planting seeds for ideas of horror. This is the worst part of it, when you “realise” that the terror is just a precursor, a preparatory…

Exploring the other trauma, the one unrelated to my childhood. When it comes back it’s a remembering, a fear of some horrifying unknown. But it’s nothing specific. Because the feeling came first, before the rationalisations. They were never enough so became impossibly large. The drugs caused the feeling. The was no real source. Aside 1: The feeling was…

We need to explore the old trauma, from mum. Make a list of the things she did and said. Examples are: Especially the one where we came home to each of us having a suicide note. There was a family friend who had come round who was freaking out. I remember saying to him, it’s…