Acting Class – Fragments of a Boy

Today I had my first acting class today. And I absolutely loved it!

There’s loads of notes below, and overall I had a wonderful time. It was crazy good fun and I really can’t wait to go again. I also hope that I can have some good deep chats to the other guys about this session. Perhaps they will find it interesting and may feel prompted to consider things in themselves that they have yet to inspect.

(I’m learning lately about now ND people, especially autistics, think very deeply, especially about themselves and their inner-workings. So perhaps the other guys, being NT, don’t have the depth of reflection that I do, nor the practice that would be needed to elucidate it. If I can share that, it could unlock new ideas and potentials…)

Good:

I really liked the direction and guidance. Any tips or suggestions that were offered, I quickly assimilated them into my thoughts and performance. I think I was worried about how I’d feel to be told what to do, but this felt completely different.
I loved the “blank slate” walk. It was as though my mask dropped completely and made me feel more ready to accept a character other than myself. Very freeing.
After the whole session I felt so calm, it was blissful.
Also with the blank slate walk, we walked in two pairs, and I was paired with Denise, which gave me a strong sense of comradery with her for the rest of the session.
Near the end of the blank slate steps we did a twirl. That panicked me, I couldn’t get my steps right, it felt like salsa all over again!
Coming up with ideas for conflict with the other guys. That felt familiar and fun. And after this session, I feel inclined to write the script for a performance! And I’d have the other actors in mind, developing one of the scenes we played out.
The collaborative stuff in general was wonderful, planning things out. I really liked figuring out the narrative, its tensions, and especially who the characters were.
I really loved the silly, intense, and physical stuff.
We started with silly walks and I was surprised at how quickly I got into that. I was hesitant at first to look daft, and looked around the room for signs of judgement/validation/acceptance. But almost immediately that went away, and I felt my natural inclination to do silly movements take over!
Similarly, I rarely felt out of place or like I was being watched, only a tad uncomfortable when I wasn’t sure what to do. And that was very interesting, being so absorbed that I forgot we had our instructor watching us. We were just in those scenes! That’s really diminished my concerns for performing for more people, because I’d be inhabiting a role.
The child scene where Dezna (?) was the mum: She was very good in that role! And very patient too, giving us lots of room to play and some good guidance as prompts. She gave us great feedback too, when we devised to use hand claps to get her attention. She was also great in the dinner party, where she was entirely believable as she talked about the fish toy from the cracker. It was strange how much I was sold on her performance.
She also said something about stories and it felt quite profound, perhaps about how they bring things to life? I’m not sure, I’d like to ask her again about that.
I loved Denise’s goody two-shoes character. She was great fun to bounce off of.
Playing “Grandma’s Steps”: So much fun! I liked the bit where I was nearly at the end and inched slightly closer to the stage, literally by inches, every time Denise turned around. I felt completely within that role.
Playing the monster in the stick in the mud game!
- I decided to crawl around on my hands and knees, I was chasing people all around, mixing up how I was moving, they said it was like something out of a horror film! At one point I cornered Denise and she panicked and didn’t know where to go! But I left an opening for her to keep it fun and let her escape, and I liked being able to do that, to accommodate another actor. I actually chose to crawl around in the first place to limit my movement, so that Claire (?), who has a walker, would stand a better chance of escaping.
- But also, my god I felt such a sense of freedom playing that monster! I could let my full intensity come out, I think it being so physical took me right out my head. I didn’t need guidance to understand the character, I could just be them, immediately, because their motivations and actions were so pure, and the improvisations were purely physical, which I’m naturally comfortable with.
- I remember staring down the other guys as I chased after them and looking at them with nothing in my mind except “I am a monster and I am going to catch you!”. That was such a marvellous feeling. And when they said the horror movie monster thing, I heard it but didn’t register it in my character. That was a surreal sensation, hearing something with one part of my brain and being able to attend to it, but behaving in a role that still felt as though I was fully embodying the mentality of that it.
I liked the couple of moments where I made the other guys laugh, like when I got stuck outside the see-through door after escaping in the grandma’s steps performance; and at the end of the dinner party scene, where I said “didn’t somebody die?” — that felt like a great break in the tension I’d added with my jealous/bitter character.

Hmm:

There were moments of tricky silence where we weren’t sure how to proceed. But I didn’t panic! And I think I didn’t panic because I didn’t feel judged. I felt very safe overall.
I wasn’t a fan of playing a child, as I didn’t feel like I could fully embody them.
I found it hard to speak until I knew who the character was. Over time this got easier, and I gradually began to form the character for myself.
I’m not sure how I feel about this one, but I did feel as though I was perhaps overly dominating in some of the activities: In the “Grandmother’s Footsteps” challenge I was at the front and emerged the victor; in the child escape game I was the more chaotic escapee; in the dinner party’s 2nd half my character’s intensity was the most intense force. Perhaps I needn’t worry, as I am an intense person, and I did try to give other people space where I could. Just something to think about I guess.
Dinner party scene: The other guys were pretending to eat and I just couldn’t envision it, holding a knife and fork and eating. So I just motioned as though I was cramming things into my mouth. Maybe it’s weird, but that felt more natural to me. I’m not good with picturing details so mentally I suppose things look more like cartoonish representations in my mind, more vibes, rather than literal actions. So that’s what came out.
The instructor seems to be the only ND/weird person there. But perhaps it’s good to be around NT people more. I just need to make sure it doesn’t mess with my confidence, especially when we have a drink in the bar after. This is all perfectly fine — I’m sure I’m more than capable of socialising with NTs! It’s just a bit of a contrast to the NDs I’ve been chatting with and making friends with lately, so it’s quite the shift. With ND people I don’t need to mask, and I’ve been working on my unmasking… so I want to make sure I don’t end up masking again. I suppose I just need to be a little more restrained, and not let my natural self spill out entirely. Which is fine, as I’m already working on various aspects of self control (eg. oversharing and infodumping).

Bad?:

This isn’t especially bad, but in the last improvisational scene we played a dinner party, and my character secretly thought the boss had stolen my boyfriend. This was the 2nd half of the dinner party scene exercise. In the first half we were just exploring a narrative before deciding on conflict and characters. But after I played my suspicious and aggressive character, I felt quite bad. I didn’t like behaving in such a cruel way, and felt a lingering shame. I know it’s only acting though, I guess I just surprised myself at how intensely I played it. So I think the answer here is to, simply, remember that it is just acting; I am intense in almost everything I do, so it stands to reason that a jealous and suspicious character would be played with such intensity also. But I think, also, that there are nuances I’d like to develop if I were to work on that character more. Dial down the anger, for one thing, and perhaps work on making it humorously passive-aggressive, rather than outwardly outraged; a subtle and delicate suspicion, rather than a direct accusation.
There are also other actions I’d like to take next time. For example, I felt like I didn’t give the other guys much space to perform, so I’d like to make room for that. I also felt as though I didn’t have the progression of the narrative in mind. And I felt as though it would have been courteous to ask Denise if she felt comfortable with such a level of negative intensity, as in, if that was something she would find any joy in performing opposite to.
However: I still enjoyed it. I came into this wanting to have the chance to embody intense feelings and feel the vibe of performance, and I absolutely did here. It felt like serious acting, where the rest felt like silly play… both were wonderful, but I’m glad I got the opportunity to perform so dramatically too.

Interesting:

At one point I started creating this entire backstory for a scene, and the lady called Dezna — but whose name I can’t really remember (maybe Diza? The others were Denise (the grandma/wolf), maybe Martha? (the teacher), and maybe Claire? (the lady with the walker) — said that perhaps that would be better as a character’s own backstory: Keep the scene simple but allow the complexity to shine through in the characters. I really loved that.
When Denise played the wolf, she said she felt very anxious near the end and couldn’t wait for it to end, I’m not sure why. I’ll try to pay more attention to things like that. Perhaps I’ll ask if she was herself, or playing the grandma/wolf. That’s normally a “deep” question that NTs would want to avoid, but in this context it might be appropriate.

Notes

Consider the next step for other people, after my actions
(this might be a struggle for me with >1 person)
Focus on low-stakes conflict at first.
We as people aren’t great at resolving conflict, and we’re not great at being accused or put on the spot. So try not to create that situation. Preperation is probably super important here.
Understand everyone’s characters: Their motivations, their before and afters. Where they came from, where they are now, where they want to end up… and what possibilities their future holds that they might not yet be aware of.
IMPROV: “Yes, and…”

Versus Salsa

My acting class was such a huge contrast to my salsa class, which I did yesterday. Salsa was tremendously difficult and left me feeling burnt out, and I needed several time-outs. I found it very hard to move my body in the way the steps determined. I like the idea of the challenge of it, and of how much I could improve if I dedicate myself to it — I want to impress myself with my progress.

But I’m not sure if I really enjoyed it. I do want to be able to take dance classes though; maybe salsa isn’t the dance for me, but if I can learn the steps here, then I can learn them anywhere. So I think I’ll keep practising at home, then perhaps it will be easier for my next class. I felt far too in my own head.

I wasn’t beating myself up at all though, which was refreshing — that’s something I’ve been working hard on, and was my biggest concern when I decided to take this on, that I’d trap myself in my head and spiral down. So I’m delighted to say that this hasn’t happened again.

But it’s just… while there were parts I did enjoy, I don’t know if it made me happy overall. It is an interesting activity though, and I don’t feel especially negative to it. It’s just a world apart from the joy I felt while acting. Salsa feels like an actual class, whereas acting feels like play and fully engages every part of me!